Yeah, that's true - blah-zay-skip - instead I shall rise above such trite observations and use my first blogging experience for far more base and lecherous topics.
First up - addiction. So, being addicted to nicotine is a tough bag. I quit smoking some time ago and was a super bitch for about 2 months. I must admit, I did feel license to take it out on Alan - for better OR worse, right? Then, it just let up one day. I had no desire to smoke and didn't feel tempted when those around me chose to partake.
In much the same fashion, the desire to smoke just reappeared a couple of weeks ago. It may as well have been a Tuesday, loathsome Tuesdays, and I was just sitting at my desk or picking out a crappy bag of chips at the vending machine and - WHALOOMP! I wanted a cigarette. It was not just the passing fancy you might experience while drinking coffee or a particularly tasty beer (recommendation - Bell's Lager of the Lakes). Nay, this was full on lust for cancerous joy.
I wanted to look like this......
Well, maybe I didn't want the fake Oakleys. Or maybe I did??!!? It's truly a total package.
I digress - ever since then, I've been struggling with this addiction again. What's weird is that all the reasons why I don't want to smoke are purely superficial. I do not want wrinkles a la my mother. I don't want to be stigmatized and shunned in public. And I don't want to smell like burnt tobacco. So what is missing here....quitting for right reasons, that's what's missing! The saddest truth is - I have little regard for my own personal health. If I gave two squirts about my health, I'd exercise regularly.
Am I denying my true self by not smoking? Is a good decision made for the wrong reasons still a good decision? Should I just say, "Eff it, man," and pay the increased insurance premiums? Does smoking make me happy? Where does this leave me? Forlorn - that's where it leaves me. Oh, and jonesin' for a ciggy.
Next up - crudeness. I love crudeness. I love brashness. I love crassness (i don't think that one is really word). It's my bread and butter...my go to gimmick. I was raised on it, I'm good at it, and I often appreciate it in conversation with others. This doesn't work out for me - being a girl and all. Somehow, the older and cruder I get, the more I just remind myself of my Mom.
Finally - gambling. Can someone teach me how to gamble? I know how to play poker...all the rules about what beats what, etc. But I'm baffled by the betting process. All the checking and then betting and big and small stuff. Eh - nevermind. I've already lost interest.
Photo non grata......
All I have in summation is this - what if I've written all this only to find out that all first blogs are actually supposed completely skip over the odd predicament of volunteering yourself to a strange world. What if first blogs, as a rule, don't ever actually admit that it is an awkward but compelling thing to do....and that maybe someone else that you've never met will read your blog and give pause to think about you...and your life.
Whateves.
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2 comments:
i often have the same predicament regarding smoking, although i was never really a "smoker", right?! hows about we just smoke in the company of one another? (i'm OK with being an enabler.) that way we'll see each other a LOT more! PROBLEM SOLVED.
I too can think of only superficial reasons to quit smoking. However, I am then reminded of countless movie stars in old black and whites who make smoking look cool. Let's be real about this; despite adverse health effects, which are the least of worries, smoking makes you look, right? I mean, have you ever seen a tracheostomy tube? Hot. Also, I think I jinxed myself in to getting some type of smoking-related illness.
PS
I'm glad you like crudeness, because that's sort of my way of life.
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